Friday, April 16, 2010

Way, way, way, waaaay better...

why won't blogger let me put italics in the title line? i think other people do it...maybe not. now i'm not so sure.

things are so much better than my last post. cody has been so respectful and easy to be around.

jake's been playing baseball. these kids have been playing together for several years and the coaches know them all. i feel like jacob is the outsider and isn't treated the same. i keep my thoughts on that to myself, though, because i know it's hard enough coming to a new school like this one. this school is so similar to celina when i was a kid. it is exactly how i grew up and i saw new kids come and go all along. some stayed and some left. when i was a kid, it wasn't that new kids bothered us, it was that we had all been friends for so long that it was not easy to add anybody. i know it's hard for them. especially jake, even though he doesn't say much.

david forgot a belt he needs today, so i am going to take it to him at his lunch time. i know it's super scary for him to have forgotten anything because if he doesn't show up with everything, the whole class gets in trouble for it. it would not do well for him to be the reason the whole class gets in trouble. he doesn't like being put on the spot even more than i do. we're both very good at fading into the background of a group. don't get me wrong, we are social people, just don't like big groups where the attention is directed to us. we like a few friends in a familiar environment.

i kinda' forgot how much i like to blog. i like to read them and i like to write here.

oh, we joined a gym. i'm so tired of being overweight. i was going to try the aqua fit class this morning, but don't want to get in there and chance not making it to david in time with his belt. that would be really not ok.

dena and i are planning a little mini-vacation for july! port aransas! we've never been there, but wanted somewhere that was beautiful and within driving distance. so, the end of july, we'll be sitting on the beach! i don't think my husband is really excited about the whole thing, but oh, i am so ready to get somewhere where nobody needs anything from me for a couple of days. i know it's not until july, but i can wait. dena and i have taken a few trips together over the years, but none completely by ourselves. no kids. that's what a vacation really is. i love my kids and love to take them places, but when we go somewhere with kids, it's more work than staying home. i want a book and a quiet place to sit. it doesn't really even matter where we go - beach or just get a hotel room downtown in a city somewhere. doesn't matter. neither of us wants to party or anything like that, just get outta' dodge, ya know?

ok, gonna get dressed for the gym. joshua loves, loves, loves to hang out there in the kids' area. he's so cute and getting so very big!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

just a vent

i am so frustrated right now. i don't want sympathy or pity or a pep talk. I don't want any of it.

I just whipped Cody. I spanked him first with the spanking stick and then when he smarted off again, with the belt. he is nothing but disrespectful and out of line every day. he does not show any hint of even trying. no matter what i do or when. i am so frustrated. i should have been demanding more respect instead of just letting things go. i do not understand where the disconnect is with him that he can't seem to figure out authority. he doesn't care. he doesn't care about anything but himself and how to get what he wants. i'm so tired of it all. i'm tired of being spoken to like i'm a second rate citizen in my own home. he talks down to me every day. he gives me an attitude in the simplest of conversations. and plays the victim perfectly. it's never his fault. never. he never really takes responsability for his own actions.

another subject

i had a bit of a tiff with a friend on fb. she made a comment and i pointed out how it read. she bit my head off. then emailed me to apologize for biting my head off, but certainly not what she said. i'm sure it correctly reflected her thoughts about me anyway. she has no clue.

another subject

i am so lonely right now. i see people every day, but i don't really have anybody to commune with. when david gets home at night, i'm on my feet until about 9 and that is when he goes to bed. i really need to just recharge for a day or two. mod doesn't help. i have too much to do during that time.

another subject

i have to take the stupid van in tomorrow for the a/c. i so hate dealing with stuff like that and just really wish my husband would. i know he doesn't have the time, but i hate it.

another subject

wow, this turned into quite a pity party for me. i do throw them from time to time, but usually keep them from my blog. a while back, david's ex-wife was reading it. i am not so sure if she is now or not, but i do not care. it's my blog and if she wants to read it, well, it's public, what can i say. i refuse to be all sunshine and smiley faces all the time on my personal blog.

negative, negative, negative. it's really not me to be so negative, but right now, in this moment, that is what it is. and i'm gonna post this without even re-reading it.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Potty Training!

I came home yesterday with a brand spankin' new potty chair, a book, some stickers, big boy underwear and 400 Tootsie Roll Midgies.

At about 9:30 last night, we had success!

Score one for the potty!

He's so wanting that candy....

So, how many kids do you have?

My first response would be to say "four", but that's not really the truth. Then I backpedal and say well, "three live with me, and my stepdaughter lives with their mom in San Antonio". Then I backpedal again and say, "two of ours who live with us are mine, and one is David's". But then I feel kinda' bad because Cody's mine too, he just has a different mother. So I explain that and the fact that they have the same mom, we just have one and she has the other. Then I get the funny looks...

But then there's Anna. She's the one who throws the whole thing off. I can't answer that question honestly, no matter how much explaining I do because I feel it's right to protect my kids from knowing that part of my testimony until they are a bit more mature. I also have to be careful not to "cast my pearls before swine" as scripture puts it. I'm not ashamed of her. Oh, no, I'm proud of her. She's my daughter. I'm not proud of myself, but I'm proud of her. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore either, though. It's funny how God does that.

He takes away the shame. He replaces shame with hope. I will see her one day. She does not hold anything against me. And I still get to be her mom. No matter if she were in my arms or Jesus' arms. I'm restored, forgiven and whole. She's restored and whole. She's perfect. And I miss her.

It makes it difficult, though. I can't very easily share that part of my testimony with somebody who's grieving a loss. I can so relate to their pain, though. I spent so many hours reading blogs or message boards written by mothers who lost their babies, just to relate. It's hard to find somebody who'll share openly how they've dealt with this kind of loss.

I will. As the Spirit leads, I will. I'll let whoever needs to know that there is restoration, forgiveness and wholeness.

Abortion is ugly. It is deception. It hurts. It never goes away.

Christ is beautiful. He is Truth. He heals. He never goes away.