Thursday, April 01, 2010

So, how many kids do you have?

My first response would be to say "four", but that's not really the truth. Then I backpedal and say well, "three live with me, and my stepdaughter lives with their mom in San Antonio". Then I backpedal again and say, "two of ours who live with us are mine, and one is David's". But then I feel kinda' bad because Cody's mine too, he just has a different mother. So I explain that and the fact that they have the same mom, we just have one and she has the other. Then I get the funny looks...

But then there's Anna. She's the one who throws the whole thing off. I can't answer that question honestly, no matter how much explaining I do because I feel it's right to protect my kids from knowing that part of my testimony until they are a bit more mature. I also have to be careful not to "cast my pearls before swine" as scripture puts it. I'm not ashamed of her. Oh, no, I'm proud of her. She's my daughter. I'm not proud of myself, but I'm proud of her. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore either, though. It's funny how God does that.

He takes away the shame. He replaces shame with hope. I will see her one day. She does not hold anything against me. And I still get to be her mom. No matter if she were in my arms or Jesus' arms. I'm restored, forgiven and whole. She's restored and whole. She's perfect. And I miss her.

It makes it difficult, though. I can't very easily share that part of my testimony with somebody who's grieving a loss. I can so relate to their pain, though. I spent so many hours reading blogs or message boards written by mothers who lost their babies, just to relate. It's hard to find somebody who'll share openly how they've dealt with this kind of loss.

I will. As the Spirit leads, I will. I'll let whoever needs to know that there is restoration, forgiveness and wholeness.

Abortion is ugly. It is deception. It hurts. It never goes away.

Christ is beautiful. He is Truth. He heals. He never goes away.

1 comment:

MsGin said...

I love you and I love your heart!