Sunday, March 28, 2010

I don't know where to begin...

God has been working with me and revealing himself to me in so many ways. It's unreal. But I asked him to. =)

He's shown me so much from my Esther Bible Study on Wednesday mornings. I had previously never heard of Jill Rhodes, but I love her.

I also just listened to Pastor Duane's cd called "Love is Taught, not Caught".

Combine the two of them together and there are so many truths being shown to me.

Esther is so deep. I have read it several times, and have watched the movie a couple of times, so I went in already knowing the story. I'm surprised by how many in our class didn't know much about Esther. I already loved it. I'm not knockin' them, don't think that. I was just surprised.

What strikes me the most, and I've been pondering on lately, is just how much God loves me. He loves me. In Esther, it was explained how royalty honors the common people. The highest honor a king can give somebody is relationship. God honors me with relationship. The King of Kings honors me. Wow! At the same time, I was listening to Duane talk about how much God loves us. He loves us as much as he loves Jesus. When Duane first said that, I kinda' laughed. Whatever. Jesus is perfect. But if he didn't love me as much as Jesus, wouldn't it have been a waste for Jesus to die for me? Wow! And then back to the honoring with relationship... In order for God to honor me with relationship, Jesus had to die. Wow!

I sometimes have the very wrong thoughts that I know God so well. Well, I mean, I do know God, but it's humbling to realize that if you ask him to reveal himself, he will. And it's overwhelming. What I can type here barely scratches the surface of the things he is showing me right now. I don't know Him like I will one day. I didn't know him as well yesterday as I do today. Or as well as I will tomorrow.

Romans 11:33 says, "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!"

How in the world would I possibly be silly enough to think I knew God? You can't "know" somebody who's "unsearchable" and who's "paths are beyond tracing out". I can't ever completely know God while I walk the Earth as flesh. I can only know of his infiniteness what my finite mind can handle, which is not really much. Oh, but the Holy Spirit! The Holy Spirit can lead me into ALL truths!

Father, You are amazing and wonderful. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me of my humanness, while at the same time you remind me of how much you love me.

Many times, I've walked into a Sunday morning worship service and given lip service to worship. Many, many times. I've been there in the physical form, but I'll sit and fume about something my husband did to make us late, or something the kids need to be disciplined for. It's sad and embarrassing to admit it. How can I now? How can I now that I understand that he honors me with relationship. How rude can I possibly be? I am so very sorry that I have repeatedly dishonored the relationship that he's given me in that way.

Today I was looking forward to getting into worship because I just wanted to be with others who are worshipping and just to love corporately on God. Because of a new child check-in system, and nobody's fault, I was late. I only made one song. Oh, but how awesome it was! It was the worship that moves. I hunger for that.

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